May 5, 2013

Tape Freaks Movie Night

The other night we had a movie party, our guests picked the line up and they chose some amazing flicks. Here's a rundown:

Never Too Young To Die
Lance Stargrove (John Stamos) is your average college student/star gymnast who's dad (George Lazenby) is never around. Lucky for Stargrove, his father is killed during a secret mission, leaving him to discover his father's secret life, his spy partner Danja (Vanity) and his arch nemesis Velvet Von Ragner (Gene Simmons). Stargrove quickly fills his father's spy shoes with help from his science-minded gadget-building friend, falls in love with Danja and saves the water supply from Ragner's evil plot. The glorious soundtrack features, at minimum, 4 variants on the Stargrove Theme, each explicitly emphasizing the many facets of Stargrove's characters surroundings. Sadly for us, this movie's cries to be picked up as a series went unanswered, it's sequel could have been glorious.

Things to watch for: A theme song that will haunt you for years to come; the second most awkward love scene ever [see Ninja III for the first]; the inexplicable stage ”performance” of Ragner; Robert Enguland as a computer whiz; John Stamos definitely doing impressive gymnastics and not having a double do it; the worst fake beard ever to grace the silver screen; Gene Simmons as a hermaphrodite drag-queen gang-leader; a post apocalyptic gang living in a suburban 80s world; and every character asking for the “RAM-K”'s location over, and over, and over again.

Ninja III: The Domination
[Full disclosure, we don't know how Ninja II ended, so we were pretty surprised when...] Ninja III jumps into the action head first as most of the L.A. police force is slashed, dropped, drown, and ninja stared to death. The cops are on the scene responding to a out-of-the-clear-blue ninja-murder of a golfer and his entire golfing party. The cop-massacre ends when our ninja is filled with more bullets than I've ever seen a guy filled with on screen, and wanders into the desert to die. Luckily he runs into Christie, our plucky utilities worker/aerobics instructor; he gives Christie his sword, causing his spirit to possess her body. Christie reports most of this to the police, where she meets Officer Billy Secord, a tenacious cop who stalks her until she agrees jump into a serious relationship with him. One by one, Christie picks off the cops that didn't die while defending themselves during the cop-massacre, while slowly becoming aware of her “possession”. Honestly, this movie gets better and better at every turn... if your version of “better” involves fog machines and laser light shows.

Things to watch for: Epic fog-machine use at the flimsiest excuse; a cop that witnesses an attack against Christie, does nothing to help her as she fends off her attackers, and then “arrests” her for assault as a way to win her heart; the aforementioned wooing plot working; the grossest use of V-8 Juice in a sex seen; an arcade game scanning Christie with lasers, for a very long time, for no clear reason; the revelation that “only a ninja can kill a ninja”; attempts to jazzercise the ninja spirit away; a man who wears a sweater under all his tank tops... hold on, maybe that wasn't a sweater...

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