May 9, 2015

Ninja III: The Domination

Ninja III is a movie that may have no peer. It combines the horribleness of ninja appropriation with the insanity of the 80s aerobics fad and topping it all off with a spirit possession. 


The story unfolds something like this: Ninja III jumps into the action head first as most of the L.A.P.D. is slashed, dropped, drown, and ninja stared to death while responding to a out-of-the-clear-blue ninja-murder of a golfer and his golfing party. The cop-massacre ends when our ninja is filled with more bullets than Bonnie and Clyde combined, and he somehow manages to make his was to the bordering desert to die. Luckily, he runs into Christie, a plucky utility worker/aerobics instructor, who's body he imedeatly decides to posses by handing her his sword. Christie reports most of this to the police, where she meets Officer Billy Secord, a tenacious cop who stalks her until she suddenly relents, diving right into a serious relationship with the officer. One by one, Christie picks off the cops who were successful in defending themselves during the cop-massacre, while slowly becoming aware she's “possessed”. Honestly, this movie gets better and better at every turn... if your version of “better” involves fog machines and laser light shows.

Things to watch for: Epic fog-machine use at the flimsiest excuse; a cop that witnesses an attack against Christie but doen't help her as she fends off her attackers, then “arrests” her for assault as a way to win her heart; the aforementioned wooing plot totally working; the grossest use of V-8 Juice in a sex seen we hope to ever see; an arcade game scanning someone with laser-grids; attempts to jazzercise a ninja spirit away; a man who wears a sweater underneath all his tank tops... hold on, maybe that wasn't a sweater...

What we learned: Sometimes you don't have to see the two previous movies to fully enjoy the third in the series.

(What I learned while writing this: Adding suffixes to "golf" makes it an even more asinine word to observe.)



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