December 8, 2015

Holiday Classics: Don't Open 'Till Christmas

Oh boy! This movie. If you want to watch a flick that was storyboarded and edited by people who can't be in one place for more than 3 mins, this is your flick! Seriously, people are called down to Scotland Yard to answer two questions and then sent on their way. Officers visit victims, ask three questions and then leave. They re-visit victims, ask one question, leave. A victim visits an officer at his home, they go out to dinner, and she's back at her place so friggin' fast, you'll actually yell “WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?!”.

The plot unfolds something like this: Somewhere in London there's a bomb rigged to go off if anyone stays in one location for longer than five mins. Just kidding! The real plot; someone in London is taking their hatred of Santa out on the city's jolly-in-red. With few leads and a hot headed boss, the detectives on the case are left searching for clues where ever they can. They know the murder is tallish, male, and wears a mask. And they'd know what kind of mask he wore too IF THEY EVER THOUGHT TO ASK ANY OF ANY OF THE WITNESSES! But, with so few leads, the bodies are piling up. Will any man be safe walking the streets dressed as Santa again?

Possible drinking game: A drink every time someone isn't asked the most obvious question by the police. (You thought I was going to say ever time someone leaves a scene too early. Well if you played that drinking game, you'd die 20 mins into this gem.)

Things we thought during the movie that turned out to not be true: We thought many scenes were added after the fact to pad out the movie. But every single one of those scenes were tied into the ending, so we were totally wrong. And extra confused...

Reasons to watch: If you go in knowing that this movie is nothing but a big bag of problems, you might actually find some enjoyment in watching it. They kill a lot of Santas! I mean, that's something, right?

Things to look away for: There's an uncomfortable scene with an older man and a younger “adult” performer in one of those divided by glass jerk-off booths. The young woman never takes off a single stitch of clothing, but it is no less unbearably uncomfortable.

What we learned: You can make a film that's made entirely of problems.

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