Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III

(It's a bad sign when a movie trailer does not contain any actual footage from the movie...)

Our rated-R copy of this installment in the series cuts nearly all the gore out, leaving this one more of an implied “massacre”. Interesting enough to keep our attention through the whole 81 minutes, mostly due to good pacing and decent acting…except for the lead actress and actor. (If you’re teaching a class in stereotypical 90’s B-movie acting, these two should be your trailblazing examples.) Over all, this movie was pretty bland.

The plot unfolds something like this: A young couple on a road trip run into trouble at a small gas station in the middle of nowhere Texas. While fleeing the scene they make a wrong turn and end up on a collision course with Leatherface and family. They also end up on a collision course with a weekend survivalist (Ken Foree) with whom they actually collide. Together they must survive being hunted by the family of massacarers.

Things to watch for: A checkpoint set up to over look a heinous crime scene. The blonde, oversized wire rimed glasses wearing character (these pop up a lot in our movie viewing, next time your watching a 90’s movie, keep an eye out for one.)

Yep, that’s: Viggo Mortensen

A “That guy!” moment with: Ken Foree (Dawn of the Dead)

What the filmmakers might have been thinking: We really want to make this a successful addition to this franchise; we’d better take out all the gory parts…

What we learned: If you want to make a well received contribution to a horror movie franchise, you must have some horror in your movie.

Specs:

Previews: Heart Condition

Tag line: “He puts the teeth in terror.”

Choice line from the synopsis: “The legend that became a nightmare continues.”

VHS release company: RCA Columbia Pictures Home Video

Running time: 81 minutes

VHS release: 1990

Original release: 1990

Our rating: Better with a group.

Super nerd fact: This movie has since been released on DVD uncut and is supposed to be very enjoyable (though we have not seen it). If you want to give this movie a chance, we suggest the finding the unrated version, because frankly, this movie could have been pretty good with some gore in it!

           (left to right, top to bottom)

           1. Hauling dead bodies past the cars on the highway.

                 2. Body pit.

                 3. Everybody’s favorite Ken Foree!

                 4. The annoying stars of this film.

                 5. Whose ear is that?

                 6. Hello Mr. Mortensen.

                 7. Just precious.

                 8. Just your average blonde, oversized-wire-rimed-glasses wearing guy.

                 9. No TCM movie is complete without grandpa!

1990: The Bronx Warriors

We'd forgive you for writing this off as a Warriors knock off, but this movie has a lovely charm all it’s own. From it’s leading tough guy's Barbie doll swagger to its total disregard for its own plot, this movie is lots of fun to watch. (We also found while researching this movie that this is a Pandora’s box of bad movies. Almost every actor was in (or directed) at least three other movies we own, need to see, or already love.)

The plot unfolds something like this:  The Bronx have become totally lawless and over run with street gangs in goofy, nonsense costumes. The daughter of one of the city’s largest corporations has run a way from home and right into a gang, with a hockey theme, who immediately harass her. But do not fear! The leader of our hero gang has come to save her, fall in love with her, make her fall in love with him, and change her perspective on her miserable life. And he'll do all of this with out portraying a single emotion...

Things to watch for: Harry Potters rebellious dad. An unintended and abrupt motorcycle wipeout. Themed gangs with themes you can’t really identify. Law abiding cars casually passing through the background of this totally lawless part of the city. Flame throwing from horse back. A gang leader with the emotional range of a cardboard box.

Yep, that’s: Fred Williamson

“That guy!” moments with: Vic Morrow (Twilight Zone: The Movie), and Christopher Connelly (Manhattan Baby).

Fun things to repeat during the film: Every time someone calls the gang leader by his name, “Trash”, repeat “go pick it up!” ala the New York Dolls. [This could be a drinking game but, you could also die in the first half hour of the film.]

What the filmmakers might have been thinking: You know, I wonder what the Bronx will be like eight years from now…

What we learned: It takes a non-emoting teen with a Barbie doll swagger to run a gang in the lawless hellscape of 1990's Bronx.

Specs:

Previews: none

Tag line: none

Choice line from the synopsis: “The controversial film that caused big waves in the Big Apple.”

VHS release company: Media Home Entertainment, INC.

Running time: 86 minutes

VHS release:  1984

Original release:  1982

Our rating:  Better with a group.

Super nerd facts:  Vic Morrow was one of the three people that died while making Twilight Zone: The Movie. and his last fully completed movie was 1990: The Bronx Warriors.

P.S If you don’t know who Fred Williamson is, I’ll give you a small taste; he has appeared in more than 100 films, played with the KC Chiefs in the first Super Bowl, has his own movie production company, black belts in three martial arts, and he occasionally writes and directs. [UPDATE: He also stumped for Trump in 2016, which means he might actually be his character from Black Caesar.]  

              (left to right top to bottom)

           1.    Our oddly shaped hero facing off with a "throwback" 70’s gang.

           2.    Gothic gang member appears to have been crying.

           3.    Harry Potters rebellious dad.

           4.    Our hero is clearly upset.

           5.    Fred Williamson lookin’ good!

           6.    Even when he’s kicking ass, he shows no emotion.

           7.    Freddy Mercury?

           8.    Vic Morrow having a good time!

           9.    A gang member from the pie in the face gang...

          10.   Street hockey gang!

          11.   Badass.

          12.   Just, wow.

Black Roses

(ahh, the gentle crotch grab scene...
wait, that wasn't in the movie!)

                                    (Watching the trailer is almost a substitute for watching the movie!)  

Have you ever wanted to see a movie featuring bad hair metal music that would haunt you for days that featured demon vs. human bare knuckle fist fights? Then have we got the movie for you! It opens on a concert venue scene with band Black Roses in full demon makeup and soon cut to what we assume is the band (now human) rolling into a small town in two mint Lamborghinis. From here in it’s all up or down hill depending what you want out of a movie. In short order we are introduced to incidental music hokier than a Saturday morning cartoon, a cast of "teens" including Johnny [He’s not 35 he’s 17, NO really! See, he doesn’t even have any side burns!]  and their hip, “with it” teacher.

The plot unfolds something like this: Black Roses wants to play a show in small town USA but of course, the small town parents don’t want them to. After the band plays anyway, the students are listless and delinquent. The hip teacher is mostly determined to get to the bottom of why, if nothing gets in his way or makes him sleepy.

Things to watch for: A 35 year old desperately trying to embody James Dean. Lip-syncing with the enunciation of Screech. Two regular guys, enjoying a nice glass of milk. Some choice Hanna Barbarra style sound effects. Lots of Dario Argento style lighting. A crane shot for every scene shot outdoors. A tennis ball chosen over a lamp as a weapon. A demon-possessed stereo eating a guy whole.

A “That guy!” moment with: Vincent “Big Pussy” Pastore (The Sopranos).

“Special Appearance”: Carmine Appicea. Who is that you ask? Well he’s the drummer in this movie's band as well as the co-writer of “Do You Think I’m Sexy”, was in the band Vanilla Fudge, and recorded on Paul Stanleys solo album. And that really just scratches the surface…

What the filmmakers might have been thinking: Ok, we have full use of a crane, two Lamborghinis, all these demon puppets & costumes…wanna make a movie?

What we learned: When music that bad has a following that big, you know the devil must be involved.

Specs:

Previews: Black Eagle, Obsession A Taste For Fear

Tag line: “Turn Up The Volume, Turn Down The Lights, But Don’t Watch It Alone!”

Choice line from synopsis: “THE SPECIAL EFFECTS ARE FANTASTIC.”

VHS release company: Imperial Entertainment Corp

Running time: 90 min

VHS release: 1988

Original release:  1988

Our rating: Better with a group.

Super Awesome Bonus Stuff!
Damien Now
Black Roses Song

(from top to bottom, left to right, what's happening in these photos)

1) Our hero about to...dose off?

2) See how hip this teacher is, he's wearing sunglasses inside!

3) Mr. Pastore being eaten by a speaker demon.

4) If you saw this thing I bet you'd throw a tennis ball at it too!

5) Concert attendees turned to zombies int one cut.

6) Our–AHEM–young Johnny.

7) Every bands favorite tour vehicle: the Lamborghini.