Foreign-body birthing movies.

Not familiar with the “foreign-body birth” genre? Well, I kinda coined the term to write this, but it refers to any movie where a woman (or theoretically a man, but it's Mother's day folks!) is forcibly or corrosively impregnated by an alien/robot/demon/were-kangaroo, carries the fetus to term, and births whatever creature results from the coupling.

Now that you're familiar with the genre, I'll tell you: Never, in the history of cinema, has there been a compelling reason to show a foreign-body birth on film. Never has anyone I know ever exclaimed: “Oh my god! The birthing scene though! So amazing right?!”

What's that? A “foreign-body” birth is necessary for your story? Well, go right a head and put that in there if it helps you tell your story. But for the love of everything not cringe-worthy; do not show it on screen.

No one want's to see them.

They're uncomfortable, they're 100% not needed to convey ideas, and they're usually written by men. Men don't have a natural fear of giving birth like women do, and I get the curiosity to explore things you'll never be able to tangibly experience. Toying with biology is common place in storytelling, but seriously, really, truly; we do not need to see a non-human creatures coming out of a vag.

And, while we're on this topic, we don't need rape in movies either.

Never,

never,

never,

ever.

So, how about we spend this Mother's Day examining how amazingly disrespectful it is to force things into or out of vaginas. It's degrading to not only to the women on screen, but the people involved at all points of the creative process. There are better ways to convey pure evil, helplessness, power recovery, inhumanity, et. al. without relying on these tropes, so let's keep them out of our pop-culture. Let's do it for our moms, sisters, wives, neighbors, co-workers, and audience members at large. Let's do it not just because it's the right thing, let's do it because there are far cleverer ways to convey these ideas.

Happy Mothers day! And if you don't celebrate greeting card holidays, happy birthday to everyone born in May, including my mom!

-Colette

Tim Kincaid and the Kansas City Trilogy.

It's easy to write off artists who's work doesn't live up to the cultural standard of “good”. But, quite often, you find amazing things when you investigate those creating off the beaten path. Tim Kincaid does not disappoint in that arena.

If you're not sure who Tim Kincaid is, we completely understand. Most of his film career he wrote-directed porn films under the name Joe Gauge but, for a brief stint in the late 80s he made seven fantastically bad straight-to-video genera movies. Breeders, Robot Holocaust, and Mutant Hunt are some of his better know written-directed works, but he's also responsible for Necropolis and Enemy Territory (the only movie to star Ray Parker Jr.) as a result of his producing. His movies were shot with almost no budget, contain spectacularly awkward performances, have production levels impossible to recreate while trying, and perfectly incapsulate the singular time in history where most of the country was simultaneously frightened of and intrigued by New York City; and so far, we love them all!

Though, as bad as they are, all of these cult classics retain their popularity today regularly selling for $80 on VHS, when you can find them. But despite all this, Tim Kincaid's legacy does not lie outside his porn stint.

    

In the early 70s, when the longstanding gay male stereotype in porn (and the rest of cinema) was “effeminate” city-living men, Tim Kincaid made porn films about blue collar workers hooking up in working class settings. His portrayals of gay men as people from all walks of life, influenced a generation of people. As a result, the “Kansas City Trilogy" is Tim Kincaid's true legacy. He makes porn again today, and he discusses some of the modern “taboos” he's breaking in this great interview with BUTT magazine . He also talks about making the Kansas City Trilogy and leaving porn to do “mainstream” work while he and his wife raised their sons (one of whom now makes soundtracks for his porn flicks).

All these discoveries have made us extra excited to watch a Tim Kincaid classic on the big screen. Come see it with us this weekend after a lovely Mother's Day dinner!

Breeders, Sunday May 11^th (Mother's Day!!) @ Theaters at MOA $5, 7:30

Critters 3 & 4 Double Feature

Each Critters movie is exponentially harder to watch than the last, but at least they keep it interesting by making each entry uniquely uncomfortable!

Critters 3

This installment in the series starts off with a flashback-mashup-preview of the first two movies before throwing down the goofy gauntlet and never looking back. I venture to say we've never seen a movie as goofy as this one, and that's saying something...

The plot unfolds something like this: A midwestern family is at the tail end of their RV vacation when they get a flat tire. While dad repairs the tire Krite eggs make their way onto the camper, and the kids happen upon Charlie, a stranger who's brimming with ominous warnings who shares some of those warnings with them. Once the RV tire is fixed the family returns home, unwittingly bringing the Crite eggs back with them. In short order Critters infest their apartment building and the epic goof-fest begins! Will Charlie make it the city to save them? Will the Krites over run the city? Will the dad get a job at the phone company?!? Will the goofiness ever end?!?!?

Things to watch for: Some stronger than usual female characters (a mainstay for Critters movies), and awkward teenage dialogue at every single opportunity!

Yep, that's: Leonardo DiCaprio.

That lady moments with: Frances Bay (Happy Gilmore, Blue Velvet) and Diana Bellamy (one or two episodes of every tv show in the 80s). Between these two ladies lies more than 250 acting credits. If you watched any amount of television between 1977 and 2011, you'll likely recognize them both.

Our rating: Better with a loud group.

Specs (our copy):

Format: VHS

Previews: Freddy’s Dead

Tag line: “You are what they eat.”

Choice line from the synopsis: “They're orphaned, they're hungry, they're multiplying and they're CRITTERS....”

VHS release company: New Line Home Video

Running time: 86 min

VHS release: 1991

Critters 4

The polar opposite in tone, this installment was made in a goofiness vacuum, making it the least fun of the series by far. This one picks up exactly where the last film left off.

The plot unfolds something like this: Charlie has to preserve the universe's last two Krite eggs in a pod programed to jettison into space. Charlie manages get himself into the pod with the eggs and together they're cryogenic frozen and jettison into space. Fifty-three years later, a space salvage crew discovers the pod floating through space. They agree to return the pod to it's owners for a hefty reward, until the captain decided to crack open the pod! Charlie and the Krites are released and duke it out one last time, all while floating through space.

Who steals the show: Brad Dorrif and Angela Basset. They  are both so much better than the material they're working with.

Our rating: Hard to watch on many levels.

Specs (our copy):

Format: VHS

Previews: Excessive Force, Year of the Comet, The Player

Tag line: “In space, they love to hear you scream!”

Choice line from the synopsis: “This time they're hungry to conquer the galaxy, with an appetite for mankind that's out of this world.”

VHS release company: New Line Home Video

Running time: 94 min

VHS release: 1992

Fun Facts: Alien Movies

Jean Claude Van Damme almost had a very different big break in film; he was the original casting choice to play Predator. They even started production, with a completely different alien design, but Van Damme so vocally disliked being stuffed into the latex suit he was cut from the cast. Kevin Peter Hall took his place and the alien was completely redesigned (probably because it was originally designed by someone without FX background and was, by all accounts, not working). Because the redesign resulted in such an icon, every effects artist working at the time now claims to have had a hand in influencing the look of the Predator. James Cameron even claims he casually mentioned to Stan Winston (who's team of artists actually did the redesign) that he'd like to see a creature with mandibles.

Like all stories about classic movies, we'll never know who said what to ultimately inspire whom. Though, you can usually rely on stories from players that didn't make the annals of history. Here's a clip from the recent webcast by Stan Winston School of Character Arts (SWSCA) featuring Steve Johnson discussing that original Predator design and how he insisted it wasn't going to work, only to be proven right. 

-Tim

Mix Tape!

Adding to our trend of monsters from space, here is a "mix tape" I made featuring songs from soundtracks of space alien movies. Enjoy!
-Tim