Canuxploitation: Food of the Gods II

Usually when I write up movies each month, I spend a considerable amount of time researching each film. That's partly because I don't trust myself to remember all movies I watch accurately, but it's also partly so I don't retrospectively impose too much of my personal interpretation onto the film. But the sequel to Food of the Gods is one I have very strong memories of, and I've decided that this is the writeup where I'm going to lay those memories out unfiltered.

Who I was when I watched this film: I didn't start watching horror movies until I was in my late teens. Up until then I didn't know they ranged from silly to absolutely terrifying, so I had avoided them pretty universally. But once I knew there were fun ones out there, I went all in. Those were the heydays, and the height of that was when Tim and I (and our other friend Tim) would rent piles of horror movies from Discount Video, including one Food of the Gods. I can honestly say I remember nothing from that movie, save for the fact that we discovered there was a sequel, and that we DESPERATELY needed to see it.

Oh the horror!!

What happened when we watched it?: We hadn't a clue what kind of specifically strange adventure we were in for when we rented this inexplicable sequel, but what stands out in my memory the most from watching this, is how we changed the title after seeing it to Food of the Gods: part Bobby. This movie is literally a movie about a toddler named Bobby that grows to a monstrous size and terrorizes his increasingly hapless creators. Very likely the inspiration for Honey I Blew Up the Kid (or at least the inspiration for the screenplay Disney ripped off to make the aforementioned movie), because as far as I can remember, it's absolutely not about rats; it's about Bobby the gigantic toddler.

Like what's happening here? I DON'T REMEMBER PEOPLE MELTING!

Ok fine, I'll look it up to see what's what: Oh boy... I CLEARLY need to revisit this flick, as the stills I found around the web feature loads of stuff I don't recall. Were there actually rats in Food 2, or were those just flashbacks to the previous film? When was there so much carnage, how could my memory be so clouded by the giant toddler that I forgot about the gore? So, I'll have to watch this one again, but until that day (and likely after as well), this will be Food of the Gods: part Bobby to me.

Critters 3 & 4 Double Feature

Each Critters movie is exponentially harder to watch than the last, but at least they keep it interesting by making each entry uniquely uncomfortable!

Critters 3

This installment in the series starts off with a flashback-mashup-preview of the first two movies before throwing down the goofy gauntlet and never looking back. I venture to say we've never seen a movie as goofy as this one, and that's saying something...

The plot unfolds something like this: A midwestern family is at the tail end of their RV vacation when they get a flat tire. While dad repairs the tire Krite eggs make their way onto the camper, and the kids happen upon Charlie, a stranger who's brimming with ominous warnings who shares some of those warnings with them. Once the RV tire is fixed the family returns home, unwittingly bringing the Crite eggs back with them. In short order Critters infest their apartment building and the epic goof-fest begins! Will Charlie make it the city to save them? Will the Krites over run the city? Will the dad get a job at the phone company?!? Will the goofiness ever end?!?!?

Things to watch for: Some stronger than usual female characters (a mainstay for Critters movies), and awkward teenage dialogue at every single opportunity!

Yep, that's: Leonardo DiCaprio.

That lady moments with: Frances Bay (Happy Gilmore, Blue Velvet) and Diana Bellamy (one or two episodes of every tv show in the 80s). Between these two ladies lies more than 250 acting credits. If you watched any amount of television between 1977 and 2011, you'll likely recognize them both.

Our rating: Better with a loud group.

Specs (our copy):

Format: VHS

Previews: Freddy’s Dead

Tag line: “You are what they eat.”

Choice line from the synopsis: “They're orphaned, they're hungry, they're multiplying and they're CRITTERS....”

VHS release company: New Line Home Video

Running time: 86 min

VHS release: 1991

Critters 4

The polar opposite in tone, this installment was made in a goofiness vacuum, making it the least fun of the series by far. This one picks up exactly where the last film left off.

The plot unfolds something like this: Charlie has to preserve the universe's last two Krite eggs in a pod programed to jettison into space. Charlie manages get himself into the pod with the eggs and together they're cryogenic frozen and jettison into space. Fifty-three years later, a space salvage crew discovers the pod floating through space. They agree to return the pod to it's owners for a hefty reward, until the captain decided to crack open the pod! Charlie and the Krites are released and duke it out one last time, all while floating through space.

Who steals the show: Brad Dorrif and Angela Basset. They  are both so much better than the material they're working with.

Our rating: Hard to watch on many levels.

Specs (our copy):

Format: VHS

Previews: Excessive Force, Year of the Comet, The Player

Tag line: “In space, they love to hear you scream!”

Choice line from the synopsis: “This time they're hungry to conquer the galaxy, with an appetite for mankind that's out of this world.”

VHS release company: New Line Home Video

Running time: 94 min

VHS release: 1992

CRITTERS 2 at the MOA tonight!

If you're in the Twin Cities tonight and have 5 bucks, you should be at the Theatres at the Mall of America!  

Why you ask?

7pm: Pre-party in the Starbar (inside the theater, next to the concessions) where we will be giving away Critters button packs to the first 20 people there!

7:30pm: Vintage 35mm trailers and then Critters 2! 

A brief intermission: Featuring a local made short film"Bad Egg" Directed by Ryan Schaddelee

And then: Super secret mystery movie (approximately 80 min)

We hope to see you there, we don't want to have a super fun evening without you!

A Return to Salem’s Lot

                 

              
























We love Larry Cohen (director) and Michael Moriarty (star), but this movie was a serious let down.  Moriarty is stiff, the plot is thin to say the least, and the action mostly bookends the movie. On the up side, the veteran actors and actresses steal the show; they deliver the best lines and bring levity to this bland horror movie.

The plot unfolds something like this:  Anthropologist Joe Weber moves to Salem’s Lot with his son for complicated and diluted reasons. The town is of course inhabited by vampires, and residents want Weber to write their “bible”. [Everybody knows anthropologists are MUCH better writers than vampires!] The son, meanwhile, becomes enchanted by the idea of becoming a vampire, having been seduced by one of the vampire children (Tara Reed). Only Nazi hunter Van Meer (Sam Fuller) can save the son, and rid Salem’s Lot of the vampire scourge, though it’s never clear why.

Things to watch for: Ever randomly changing footwear on the hero’s son. Rubber masked blue vampire inexplicably stalking the cast. The mom from A Nightmare on Elm Street. Elderly vampires feeding on live cows. Moriarty’s shirtless love scene…actually, you should turn away for that one.

What the filmmakers might have been thinking: Rubber masks work like make-up right?

What we learned: Vampires have a reflection, tolerate garlic, are terrible writers and can transform shoes. (Also; cows are immune to vampirism.)

Yep that’s: Sam Fuller

Some “That lady!” moments with:  Ronee Blakley (A Nightmare on Elm Street) and Tara Reed (The Big Lebowski).

Specs:

Previews: none

Tag line:  none

Choice line from the synopsis:  “Now get ready for A Return to Salem’s Lot---by quadrupling your life insurance.”

VHS release company:  Warner Home Video

VHS release:  1988

Original release:  1987

Our rating: Better with a loud group.

                                      (from left to right, top to bottom) 
                                1.    Our anthropological hero.
                                2.    Sam Fuller ladies and gentlemen!
                                3.    Our hero’s offspring
                                4.    Rubber vampire!
                                5.    Tara Reed.
                                6.    Rubber mask vampire, very scary.
                                7.    Some of our better cast members and a boom mike.
                                8.    Ronee Blakley and another boom mike.
                                9.    Some of the only action in the film.
                              10.  Good times had by some, melting had by others.
                              11.  Oh dang, I’ve been shot in the head!
                              12.  Well I may have bullets in my head, but my new tie makes it all better
                              13-15.  The sound guy on this movie really must have been short, or drunk.

Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III

(It's a bad sign when a movie trailer does not contain any actual footage from the movie...)

Our rated-R copy of this installment in the series cuts nearly all the gore out, leaving this one more of an implied “massacre”. Interesting enough to keep our attention through the whole 81 minutes, mostly due to good pacing and decent acting…except for the lead actress and actor. (If you’re teaching a class in stereotypical 90’s B-movie acting, these two should be your trailblazing examples.) Over all, this movie was pretty bland.

The plot unfolds something like this: A young couple on a road trip run into trouble at a small gas station in the middle of nowhere Texas. While fleeing the scene they make a wrong turn and end up on a collision course with Leatherface and family. They also end up on a collision course with a weekend survivalist (Ken Foree) with whom they actually collide. Together they must survive being hunted by the family of massacarers.

Things to watch for: A checkpoint set up to over look a heinous crime scene. The blonde, oversized wire rimed glasses wearing character (these pop up a lot in our movie viewing, next time your watching a 90’s movie, keep an eye out for one.)

Yep, that’s: Viggo Mortensen

A “That guy!” moment with: Ken Foree (Dawn of the Dead)

What the filmmakers might have been thinking: We really want to make this a successful addition to this franchise; we’d better take out all the gory parts…

What we learned: If you want to make a well received contribution to a horror movie franchise, you must have some horror in your movie.

Specs:

Previews: Heart Condition

Tag line: “He puts the teeth in terror.”

Choice line from the synopsis: “The legend that became a nightmare continues.”

VHS release company: RCA Columbia Pictures Home Video

Running time: 81 minutes

VHS release: 1990

Original release: 1990

Our rating: Better with a group.

Super nerd fact: This movie has since been released on DVD uncut and is supposed to be very enjoyable (though we have not seen it). If you want to give this movie a chance, we suggest the finding the unrated version, because frankly, this movie could have been pretty good with some gore in it!

           (left to right, top to bottom)

           1. Hauling dead bodies past the cars on the highway.

                 2. Body pit.

                 3. Everybody’s favorite Ken Foree!

                 4. The annoying stars of this film.

                 5. Whose ear is that?

                 6. Hello Mr. Mortensen.

                 7. Just precious.

                 8. Just your average blonde, oversized-wire-rimed-glasses wearing guy.

                 9. No TCM movie is complete without grandpa!