Fear no Evil

Well...ok, this movie...this movie was, um, really bad. The end!


No seriously, so many things happened in this movie and yet ultimately; nothing happened. The narrative is completely disjointed, the Lucifer theme gets confused with almost every occult thing imaginable, and the "plot" never moves forward! The worst part is there was so much promise; the soundtrack is full of good bands and look at the box for crying out loud! 


The plot unfolds something like this: [Oh dear, I may not be able to do this...] Fear no Evil opens on a scene that is completely convoluted, but evidently ends with Lucifer being defeated by an angel sometime in the distant past...in front of a castle... Then we're introduced to an incarnation of Lucifer in the 1980's, at this baptism, where he turns his baptismal waters red. Then, on his 18th birthday, he puts his mom in a coma. Then we see him at his high school being dorky and getting picked on. Then it's reveled that Lucifer's neighbors are really angels sent to destroy him. And then Lucifer goes on a walk, kills a dog and makes a sacrifice...to himself... Then there is a MAJOR outdoor passion play put on by the local church. And then more stuff happens, people start bleeding, the dead are brought back to life, an angel defeats Lucifer, and thankfully the movie ends. [That final sequence of events could have redeemed the movie there, but allow me to assure you it did not.]

Things to watch for: An uncomfortable full frontal boys shower scene. Lucifer making a sacrifice...to himself...while shirtless... The murder of a golden retriever. A deadly game of dodge ball. Loads of bad lightning effects.

Soundtrack includes: B-52's, Boom Town Rats, Ramones, Sex Pistols, Patti Smith, Talking Heads.

What the filmmakers might have been thinking: What would happen if Lucifer was a boring high school student...

You may recognize: Stefan Arngrim (our Lucifer) from Class of 1984.

Specs:

Previews: none

Tag line: "MEET ANDREW The Road To Hell is Paved with his Victims!"

Choice line from the synopsis: "This gripping story keeps you glued to your chair right through the final scene."

VHS release company: Embassy Home Video

Running time: 90min

VHS release: 1983

Original release: 1981

Our rating: Hard to watch on many levels

Fact you shouldn't care about: The actor that plays the first incarnation of Lucifer bought the novelization rights of the film for a dollar from the director/writer during filming.

                               (left to right, top to bottom, here's what's happening in these photos)

                              1. Lucifer in all his glory!

                              2. A Jesus with a horse head.

                              3. Nothing says Lucifer like unwanted sexual advances.

                              4. Death by dodge ball!

                              5. Lucifer drinking the blood of the sacrifice he made...to himself...

                              6. Even the zombies couldn't save this movie.

                              7. Lucifer in gym class.

                              8. Innocent bystanders spontaneously bleeding.

                              9. This is what happens when you stab Lucifer with a glowing thing.

                            10. This also happens when you stab Lucifer with a glowing thing.

                            11. Lucifer looking fabulous....while making a sacrifice...to himself...

                            12. Stigmata everywhere! In your eye.....

                            13. .....on your Grandma.

                            14. Passion play Jesus being struck by lightning.

                            15. ...your guess is as good as mine...

                       

A Return to Salem’s Lot

                 

              
























We love Larry Cohen (director) and Michael Moriarty (star), but this movie was a serious let down.  Moriarty is stiff, the plot is thin to say the least, and the action mostly bookends the movie. On the up side, the veteran actors and actresses steal the show; they deliver the best lines and bring levity to this bland horror movie.

The plot unfolds something like this:  Anthropologist Joe Weber moves to Salem’s Lot with his son for complicated and diluted reasons. The town is of course inhabited by vampires, and residents want Weber to write their “bible”. [Everybody knows anthropologists are MUCH better writers than vampires!] The son, meanwhile, becomes enchanted by the idea of becoming a vampire, having been seduced by one of the vampire children (Tara Reed). Only Nazi hunter Van Meer (Sam Fuller) can save the son, and rid Salem’s Lot of the vampire scourge, though it’s never clear why.

Things to watch for: Ever randomly changing footwear on the hero’s son. Rubber masked blue vampire inexplicably stalking the cast. The mom from A Nightmare on Elm Street. Elderly vampires feeding on live cows. Moriarty’s shirtless love scene…actually, you should turn away for that one.

What the filmmakers might have been thinking: Rubber masks work like make-up right?

What we learned: Vampires have a reflection, tolerate garlic, are terrible writers and can transform shoes. (Also; cows are immune to vampirism.)

Yep that’s: Sam Fuller

Some “That lady!” moments with:  Ronee Blakley (A Nightmare on Elm Street) and Tara Reed (The Big Lebowski).

Specs:

Previews: none

Tag line:  none

Choice line from the synopsis:  “Now get ready for A Return to Salem’s Lot---by quadrupling your life insurance.”

VHS release company:  Warner Home Video

VHS release:  1988

Original release:  1987

Our rating: Better with a loud group.

                                      (from left to right, top to bottom) 
                                1.    Our anthropological hero.
                                2.    Sam Fuller ladies and gentlemen!
                                3.    Our hero’s offspring
                                4.    Rubber vampire!
                                5.    Tara Reed.
                                6.    Rubber mask vampire, very scary.
                                7.    Some of our better cast members and a boom mike.
                                8.    Ronee Blakley and another boom mike.
                                9.    Some of the only action in the film.
                              10.  Good times had by some, melting had by others.
                              11.  Oh dang, I’ve been shot in the head!
                              12.  Well I may have bullets in my head, but my new tie makes it all better
                              13-15.  The sound guy on this movie really must have been short, or drunk.

Trauma at the Walker parking garage.

This week Walker Art Center is hosting films made in Minnesota, and last night Dario Argento's Trauma screened in their parking garage! A good crowd of people showed up (including Tim, Kelly and myself) which is shocking because the movie is terrible. Thankfully there was some interesting echoing through out the screening that drowned out most of the terrible dialogue, and the ambiance of being in a parking garage was quite nice. We would love if they did this kind of screening again...with a decent movie.

The Trylon Micro Cinema is screening two of our favorite Argento movies this weekend, Deep Red and Suspiria. We'll be catching these to get the bad Tramua taste out of our mouths...ok, it's wasn't all bad, but it still wasn't good...

The Stuff

We love this movie, it’s satirical, it’s funny, and its got really good special effects. Knowing little going into this one, it was a very pleasant surprise. Michael Moriarty (star) and Larry Cohen (director) are at their best, the action is non-stop and the story is unique. Don’t get us wrong, it’s still seriously flawed, and that makes this movie all the more enjoyable. It opens with a coal miner stumbling across a bubbling white patch in the snow that he MUCH too quickly decides to taste. After discovering how delicious it is he tell his buddy “if this stuff keeps bubbling out of the ground like this, there might be enough of it here that we could sell to people.” Immediately we cut to a young boy getting up in the middle of the night for a snack, and crawling around inside his fridge is The Stuff…

The plot unfolds something like this: The Stuff, a delicious frozen yogurt like dessert, is being very successfully marketed to the masses in a series of slick ad campaigns. Our heroes one by one discover that The Stuff is somehow changing people, and may have a mind of it’s own. Our heroes race from one elaborate location to the next, trying to uncover the secret of The Stuff.

Things to watch for: An uninhibited taste test of white stuff bubbling up from the ground. Use of the same effects set built for the infamous Jonny Depp scene in A Nightmare on Elm Street. A product in a carton that must be frozen or refrigerated but is also shelf stable. Our cast entering a post office around noon, hanging around for about five minutes, and leaving into the darkness of midnight.

Hey was that…: Clara “Where’s the Beef?” Peller and Abe Pagoda in that The Stuff commercial?

“That guy!” moments with: Danny Aiello (The Professional), Paul Sorvino (The Rocketeer), Garrett Morris (SNL), and Patrick O’Neal (Silent Night, Bloody Night).

Memorable quote: “Everybody has to eat shaving cream once in a while.”

What the filmmakers might have been thinking: Man, the American public will buy anything if it has a slick enough advertising campaign behind it…

What we learned: When you see thick white stuff bubbling out of the ground, you should immediately reach down and taste it.


Specs:

Previews: Transylvania 6-5000

Tag line: “Are you eating it or is it eating you?”

Choice line from the synopsis: “It’s taken the country by storm…and it KILLS!”

VHS release company: New World Video

Running time: 93 min

VHS release date: 1985

Original release:  1985

Our rating: Definitely watchable

                                                          

                (from left to right, top to bottom)                                       

                      1.    Danny Aiello

                      2.    The Stuff’s slick marketing campaign.

                      3.    5-second rule! (If you find it coming out of the ground you have to eat it 

                             with in 5 seconds!)

                      4.    Look out! The Stuff is going to come off the green screen and get you

                      5.    Paul Sorvino

                      6.    That looks like so much fun! 

                      7.    Garrett Morris gettin’ ready to blow.

                      8.    Our creepy hero kid.

                      9.    Patrick O’Neal lookin’ like Richard Dawson

                     10.    So much fun…

                     11.     The very same set used to kill Jonny Depp!

                     12.     Sex sells, especially when it’s wearing a unitard.

 

We made our own bad movie!

Well our own bad short film anyway. We are one half of a production company called Outpost 31 Productions and earlier this month we participated in the 48 Hour Film Fest. To our amazement our little flick got nominated for Best Film and Best Editing! (But sadly we did not win.)
To tell the truth we are very proud out this little piece and so we decided to share it with you! This version is not the version we submitted (we ran into some sound problems and had to give up fixing them to make the deadline) this version has cleaned up sound, but it's otherwise the same. Hope you enjoy it and you can check out Outpost 31 Productions on Facebook to see what else we're up to!

Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III

(It's a bad sign when a movie trailer does not contain any actual footage from the movie...)

Our rated-R copy of this installment in the series cuts nearly all the gore out, leaving this one more of an implied “massacre”. Interesting enough to keep our attention through the whole 81 minutes, mostly due to good pacing and decent acting…except for the lead actress and actor. (If you’re teaching a class in stereotypical 90’s B-movie acting, these two should be your trailblazing examples.) Over all, this movie was pretty bland.

The plot unfolds something like this: A young couple on a road trip run into trouble at a small gas station in the middle of nowhere Texas. While fleeing the scene they make a wrong turn and end up on a collision course with Leatherface and family. They also end up on a collision course with a weekend survivalist (Ken Foree) with whom they actually collide. Together they must survive being hunted by the family of massacarers.

Things to watch for: A checkpoint set up to over look a heinous crime scene. The blonde, oversized wire rimed glasses wearing character (these pop up a lot in our movie viewing, next time your watching a 90’s movie, keep an eye out for one.)

Yep, that’s: Viggo Mortensen

A “That guy!” moment with: Ken Foree (Dawn of the Dead)

What the filmmakers might have been thinking: We really want to make this a successful addition to this franchise; we’d better take out all the gory parts…

What we learned: If you want to make a well received contribution to a horror movie franchise, you must have some horror in your movie.

Specs:

Previews: Heart Condition

Tag line: “He puts the teeth in terror.”

Choice line from the synopsis: “The legend that became a nightmare continues.”

VHS release company: RCA Columbia Pictures Home Video

Running time: 81 minutes

VHS release: 1990

Original release: 1990

Our rating: Better with a group.

Super nerd fact: This movie has since been released on DVD uncut and is supposed to be very enjoyable (though we have not seen it). If you want to give this movie a chance, we suggest the finding the unrated version, because frankly, this movie could have been pretty good with some gore in it!

           (left to right, top to bottom)

           1. Hauling dead bodies past the cars on the highway.

                 2. Body pit.

                 3. Everybody’s favorite Ken Foree!

                 4. The annoying stars of this film.

                 5. Whose ear is that?

                 6. Hello Mr. Mortensen.

                 7. Just precious.

                 8. Just your average blonde, oversized-wire-rimed-glasses wearing guy.

                 9. No TCM movie is complete without grandpa!

1990: The Bronx Warriors

We'd forgive you for writing this off as a Warriors knock off, but this movie has a lovely charm all it’s own. From it’s leading tough guy's Barbie doll swagger to its total disregard for its own plot, this movie is lots of fun to watch. (We also found while researching this movie that this is a Pandora’s box of bad movies. Almost every actor was in (or directed) at least three other movies we own, need to see, or already love.)

The plot unfolds something like this:  The Bronx have become totally lawless and over run with street gangs in goofy, nonsense costumes. The daughter of one of the city’s largest corporations has run a way from home and right into a gang, with a hockey theme, who immediately harass her. But do not fear! The leader of our hero gang has come to save her, fall in love with her, make her fall in love with him, and change her perspective on her miserable life. And he'll do all of this with out portraying a single emotion...

Things to watch for: Harry Potters rebellious dad. An unintended and abrupt motorcycle wipeout. Themed gangs with themes you can’t really identify. Law abiding cars casually passing through the background of this totally lawless part of the city. Flame throwing from horse back. A gang leader with the emotional range of a cardboard box.

Yep, that’s: Fred Williamson

“That guy!” moments with: Vic Morrow (Twilight Zone: The Movie), and Christopher Connelly (Manhattan Baby).

Fun things to repeat during the film: Every time someone calls the gang leader by his name, “Trash”, repeat “go pick it up!” ala the New York Dolls. [This could be a drinking game but, you could also die in the first half hour of the film.]

What the filmmakers might have been thinking: You know, I wonder what the Bronx will be like eight years from now…

What we learned: It takes a non-emoting teen with a Barbie doll swagger to run a gang in the lawless hellscape of 1990's Bronx.

Specs:

Previews: none

Tag line: none

Choice line from the synopsis: “The controversial film that caused big waves in the Big Apple.”

VHS release company: Media Home Entertainment, INC.

Running time: 86 minutes

VHS release:  1984

Original release:  1982

Our rating:  Better with a group.

Super nerd facts:  Vic Morrow was one of the three people that died while making Twilight Zone: The Movie. and his last fully completed movie was 1990: The Bronx Warriors.

P.S If you don’t know who Fred Williamson is, I’ll give you a small taste; he has appeared in more than 100 films, played with the KC Chiefs in the first Super Bowl, has his own movie production company, black belts in three martial arts, and he occasionally writes and directs. [UPDATE: He also stumped for Trump in 2016, which means he might actually be his character from Black Caesar.]  

              (left to right top to bottom)

           1.    Our oddly shaped hero facing off with a "throwback" 70’s gang.

           2.    Gothic gang member appears to have been crying.

           3.    Harry Potters rebellious dad.

           4.    Our hero is clearly upset.

           5.    Fred Williamson lookin’ good!

           6.    Even when he’s kicking ass, he shows no emotion.

           7.    Freddy Mercury?

           8.    Vic Morrow having a good time!

           9.    A gang member from the pie in the face gang...

          10.   Street hockey gang!

          11.   Badass.

          12.   Just, wow.