July 28, 2011

Fear no Evil






Well...ok, this movie...this movie was, um, really bad. The end!


No seriously, so many things happened in this movie and yet ultimately; nothing happened. The narrative is completely disjointed, the Lucifer theme gets confused with almost every occult thing imaginable, and the "plot" never moves forward! The worst part is there was so much promise; the soundtrack is full of good bands and look at the box for crying out loud! 


The plot unfolds something like this: [Oh dear, I may not be able to do this...] Fear no Evil opens on a scene that is completely convoluted, but evidently ends with Lucifer being defeated by an angel sometime in the distant past...in front of a castle... Then we're introduced to an incarnation of Lucifer in the 1980's, at this baptism, where he turns his baptismal waters red. Then, on his 18th birthday, he puts his mom in a coma. Then we see him at his high school being dorky and getting picked on. Then it's reveled that Lucifer's neighbors are really angels sent to destroy him. And then Lucifer goes on a walk, kills a dog and makes a sacrifice...to himself... Then there is a MAJOR outdoor passion play put on by the local church. And then more stuff happens, people start bleeding, the dead are brought back to life, an angel defeats Lucifer, and thankfully the movie ends. [That final sequence of events could have redeemed the movie there, but allow me to assure you it did not.]

Things to watch for: An uncomfortable full frontal boys shower scene. Lucifer making a sacrifice...to himself...while shirtless... The murder of a golden retriever. A deadly game of dodge ball. Loads of bad lightning effects.

Soundtrack includes: B-52's, Boom Town Rats, Ramones, Sex Pistols, Patti Smith, Talking Heads.

What the filmmakers might have been thinking: What would happen if Lucifer was a boring high school student...


You may recognize: Stefan Arngrim (our Lucifer) from Class of 1984.


Specs:
Previews: none
Tag line: "MEET ANDREW The Road To Hell is Paved with his Victims!"
Choice line from the synopsis: "This gripping story keeps you glued to your chair right through the final scene."
VHS release company: Embassy Home Video
Running time: 90min
VHS release: 1983
Original release: 1981

Our rating: Hard to watch on many levels

Fact you shouldn't care about: The actor that plays the first incarnation of Lucifer bought the novelization rights of the film for a dollar from the director/writer during filming.


                               (left to right, top to bottom, here's what's happening in these photos)
                              1. Lucifer in all his glory!
                              2. A Jesus with a horse head.
                              3. Nothing says Lucifer like unwanted sexual advances.
                              4. Death by dodge ball!
                              5. Lucifer drinking the blood of the sacrifice he made...to himself...
                              6. Even the zombies couldn't save this movie.
                              7. Lucifer in gym class.
                              8. Innocent bystanders spontaneously bleeding.
                              9. This is what happens when you stab Lucifer with a glowing thing.
                            10. This also happens when you stab Lucifer with a glowing thing.
                            11. Lucifer looking fabulous....while making a sacrifice...to himself...
                            12. Stigmata everywhere! In your eye.....
                            13. .....on your Grandma.
                            14. Passion play Jesus being struck by lightning.
                            15. ...your guess is as good as mine...

                       


July 18, 2011

A Return to Salem’s Lot

              
























We love Larry Cohen (director) and Michael Moriarty (star), but this movie was a serious let down.  Moriarty is stiff, the plot is thin to say the least, and the action mostly bookends the movie. On the up side, the veteran actors and actresses steal the show; they deliver the best lines and bring levity to this bland horror movie.

The plot unfolds something like this:  Anthropologist Joe Weber moves to Salem’s Lot with his son for complicated and diluted reasons. The town is of course inhabited by vampires, and residents want Weber to write their “bible”. [Everybody knows anthropologists are MUCH better writers than vampires!] The son, meanwhile, becomes enchanted by the idea of becoming a vampire, having been seduced by one of the vampire children (Tara Reed). Only Nazi hunter Van Meer (Sam Fuller) can save the son, and rid Salem’s Lot of the vampire scourge, though it’s never clear why.

Things to watch for: Ever randomly changing footwear on the hero’s son. Rubber masked blue vampire inexplicably stalking the cast. The mom from A Nightmare on Elm Street. Elderly vampires feeding on live cows. Moriarty’s shirtless love scene…actually, you should turn away for that one.

What the filmmakers might have been thinking: Rubber masks work like make-up right?

What we learned: Vampires have a reflection, tolerate garlic, are terrible writers and can transform shoes. (Also; cows are immune to vampirism.)

Yep that’s: Sam Fuller

Some “That lady!” moments with:  Ronee Blakley (A Nightmare on Elm Street) and Tara Reed (The Big Lebowski).

Specs:
Previews: none
Tag line:  none
Choice line from the synopsis:  “Now get ready for A Return to Salem’s Lot---by quadrupling your life insurance.”
VHS release company:  Warner Home Video
VHS release:  1988
Original release:  1987


Our rating: Better with a loud group.


                                      (from left to right, top to bottom) 
                                1.    Our anthropological hero.
                                2.    Sam Fuller ladies and gentlemen!
                                3.    Our hero’s offspring
                                4.    Rubber vampire!
                                5.    Tara Reed.
                                6.    Rubber mask vampire, very scary.
                                7.    Some of our better cast members and a boom mike.
                                8.    Ronee Blakley and another boom mike.
                                9.    Some of the only action in the film.
                              10.  Good times had by some, melting had by others.
                              11.  Oh dang, I’ve been shot in the head!
                              12.  Well I may have bullets in my head, but my new tie makes it all better
                              13-15.  The sound guy on this movie really must have been short, or drunk.


Photobucket

July 15, 2011

Trauma at the Walker parking garage.




This week Walker Art Center is hosting films made in Minnesota, and last night Dario Argento's Trauma screened in their parking garage! A good crowd of people showed up (including Tim, Kelly and myself) which is shocking because the movie is terrible. Thankfully there was some interesting echoing through out the screening that drowned out most of the terrible dialogue, and the ambiance of being in a parking garage was quite nice. We would love if they did this kind of screening again...with a decent movie.
The Trylon Micro Cinema is screening two of our favorite Argento movies this weekend, Deep Red and Suspiria. We'll be catching these to get the bad Tramua taste out of our mouths...ok, it's wasn't all bad, but it still wasn't good...