No One Speaks the Same Language: Equalizer 2000

Equalizer 2000 was not only Robert Patrick's earliest films, it was also an effort of a crew that ranged from a Phillipino director, to an Australian star, and many things between.

Baby Robert Patrick!

The movie: This is one of those Mad-Max rip off movies, this one takes place in the desert that was once Alaska where everyone is fighting over resources and lots of stuff blows up!

The language barriers: The star of this gem is Australian, much of the principal cast is American, and there's a few South Korean actors just to spice things up. The writers were an American and Filipino, the Director (Cirio H. Santiago, a longtime Corman producer) Filipino and much of the crew also...

A gun with some guns stuck on it!

The result of those language barriers: There's a serious lack of story happening in this move, that just lead to much more action! (And, just in case you're wondering, the "Equalizer" is a giant gun built by the hero.)

The good news: This was far from anyone's first or last rodeo, so at least it didn't end anyone's career. Much of the crew were already staples in the film community in the Philippians and none of the cast were novice.  There was a young Robert Patrick and a seasoned Vic Diaz, but a huge surprise came from the main lead, Richard Norton who has a long stunt coordinator resume, most recently working on (and in this case appearing in) Mad Max: Fury Road and Suicide Squad.

Vic Diaz!

Further learning: The documentary Machete Maidens Unleashed covers some of the amazingness that came out of the Phillipens from this era. It's made by the same documentary crew as Electric Boogaloo: The Wild, Untold Story of Cannon Films, and Not Quite Hollywood: The Wild, Untold Story of Ozploitation!.

No One Speaks the Same Language: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Let's start the month with a good movie with some serious language barriers; The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

The language barriers: Italian director Sergio Leone didn't speak a word of English, and two of the American stars didn't speak a word of Italian. This left Eastwood (The Good) relying on a translator and Wallach (The Ugly) to speak French (as he and Leone were both fluent) in order to communicate with their director. But inarguably, the biggest problem that arose from this language camp came from the Italian fluent crew and one Spanish speaking trigger man.

The problem that language barrier presented: In the movie there's a scene where a bridge gets blown to kingdom come. The Italian crew gave the honor of igniting said blast to one of the Spanish soldiers who were standing in for the American Civil War soldiers. While everyone was waiting around for the sky to be just right, a member of the effects crew said a word over the radio that sounded like the cue for the soldier (who was listening through a language he didn't understand for that one word), and he subsequently blew the bridge to kingdom come with not one single camera rolling.

The solution: The bridge was rebuilt, and they blew it all to hell a second time. Movie making is wild sometimes.

First Clue: June's Screening

Clue #1: This month's theme is No One Speaks the Same Language!



Tape Freaks Presents: June's Mystery Movie! at the Trylon microcinema, Wednesday, June 1st @ 7:00pm, only $5!

Purchase advance ticket here.

Knock Off Movies: Nightkiller

Released in Italy as Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3, this movie is way closer to a Nightmare on Elm Street rip off. This movie was also written and directed by the man responsible for Troll 2, a movie with zero trolls in it, so that alone could explain the odd miss-titling.

The plot unfolds something like this: A woman is attacked in her home by an intruder wearing a grotesque mask. The intruder torments the woman and attempts to kill her, but she manages to escape. She is promptly admitted to a hospital, but quickly released and is instantly kidnapped by another tormentor. This time her attacker has her trapped in his basement, and escape seems impossible...

The killer in his mask.

Full spoiler plot summation: [Serious spoilers, if you intend to sit through this torture-porn, then don't read this section as it spoils the "redeeming" payoff.] The woman's second tormentor turns out to be her husband who was working with her doctor and the police to get her to remember more about her initial assault. But since the audience is never told that incredibly important information, this seemed like a really twisted torture-porn where, ten mins before it ends, we find out this lady's own husband was inflicting horrible amounts psychological torture just to jog her memory for some bit of information that I guess the police needed.

We were talking a lot...: Maybe we talked over all the key duologue in this movie, but if it was that easy for us to miss, there honestly wasn't enough of it to convey the plot points. Usually if we talk over a movie, one of us will catch the key bits, especially when there's four of us watching, but we were all equally aghast at the final scene.

Reasons you should watch: I mean, I want someone else to watch this just to tell me if we missed some key duologue, but it's pretty rapey so keep that in mind before diving in.

Third Clue: May's Screening

Clue #3: When this movie hit video release it featured a fun gimmick to lure in unsuspecting victims. ...Renters! I meant renters.

Tape Freaks Presents: May's Mystery Movie! at the Trylon microcinema, Wednesday, May 4th @ 7:00pm, only $5!

Purchase advance ticket here.

Knock Off Movies: The Humanoid

This movie shouldn't have been as boring as it was but man, this movie was dull! Seriously, the photo montage below pretty well captures the intensity of this film.

The plot unfolds something like this: Star Wars meets Dr Frankenstien, but duller than you could ever imagine that being.

But the real reasons you should watch: A baby Richard Kiel, some intense versions of future fashion, a fantastic score from Ennio Morricone, some pretty elaborate sub-plots, and the most insane Darth Vader rip off we'll ever see.

See for yourself: The whole thing might or might not be on youtube right now...

Knock Off Movies: Passenger 57

When the world's most dangerous hijacker finally gets arrested what mode of transportation do authorities chose to transport him with? Airplane. And that's not the least believable thing that happens in this movie.

The plot unfolds something like this: Die Hard on a plane.

But the real reasons you should watch: Um... 90s Wesley Snipes and baby Tom Sizemore? There's also the strangest attempt by an actor to be Joe Don Baker...

Colette's end credits thoughts: "This movie could have ended like five times over." There are points in this movie where most of the bad guys leave the plane and I can't even remember what convoluted nonsense gets them all back on the plane! But that's exactly what happens. And I'm pretty sure it happens multiple times.